God’s Hope and Healing
by Mandi-bre Watson
Sending hope and healing is God’s specialty, but don’t be surprised if it’s not within your timetable.
“God is outside of time and space,” a little phrase I had heard often, but never really understood, until I experienced it firsthand. I had a pretty good childhood, not perfect, but decent enough to give me some pretty terrific memories. Like any family, we had our ups and downs, crosses to bare, victories to celebrate and yes, even some secrets. One of our biggest secrets was my dad’s addiction to alcohol. In my early years- teen years, it was a battle. For all of us. I was young and impressionable, and he was angry and looking for ways to cope. I often found myself home alone with him as he would begin drinking and would then confide in me about stuff in his life and his past that younger me wasn’t ready to hear or comprehend. I listened and tried my best to be a friend, to put him to bed when he passed out, and clean up his mess so the rest of the family would be spared, and my father would keep his dignity. What I really longed for was for him to be a regular ol’ dad. Sometimes he would be a funny drunk, sometimes he would be an angry drunk, and sometimes he was a little of both.
Without going too deep into that story, I am happy to report, praise be to God and through the intercession of the Blessed Mother, my dad was able to overcome his addiction and reconcile so many things in his life. I remember once he was sober, he wrote me a letter, it contained beautiful words of encouragement and love. It didn’t contain any apology or explanation for his behavior, but his words were healing to my heart, nonetheless. That letter had a special place in my childhood bedroom, and I would often read it when I was feeling discouraged about life, and it served as a reminder that I could do hard things.
Beyond him writing that letter, we never really talked about his addiction, or what I experienced during his drinking years, it was just kind of swept under the rug, and we moved on, until those unspoken words came flooding back in my adult life and I found myself angry and in need of healing.
In February 2013 my father passed away suddenly. It was a shock to the whole family. After the fog lifted, I began to reflect of my formative years and was mad at myself for never addressing the hurt I experienced and now that my dad was gone, it would never be possible. As I passed through the anger stage of grief, I was determined to find that letter my dad had written to me all those years ago. I hadn’t seen it in years and couldn’t recall if I packed it when I moved from my parents’ home, or if it was still somewhere in my childhood bedroom. I don’t exactly know what I thought I would gain by re-reading that letter, but I just felt like I needed it to heal and let go. I started to convince myself that maybe he did say sorry in that letter and maybe I missed it? At any rate, I NEEDED to find that letter. It was the only way to move on. I tore through my childhood bedroom, my own home, and places I knew it wouldn’t be, but I searched anyway. The letter was never found.
About a year after his death, one morning I went to the adoration chapel. I was having a stern conversation with God about life, death, grief, and healing (am I the only one who has “stern” conversations with God?) I felt the nudge through the Holy Spirit to ask God to go back to that time in my childhood with me to bring about the healing and clarity I needed. That one invitation opened the flood gates of emotions and understanding. God revealed things to my heart about my dad that helped me to better understand him. He helped me to see the struggle that my dad endured and how hard he tried to overcome his own demons.
God also revealed to me that even though the letter that my dad wrote served as a healing tool for me, the real healing comes from forgiveness, and I hadn’t recognized it, but I hadn’t ever fully forgiven my father for all the times I had to be the “parent.” The “sweeping it under the rug” that we did, was a way not to look at it, but the mess was always still there. True forgiveness on the other hand, cleans up the mess and puts it in the trash bin. I had some work to do.
God is outside of time and space and can go back to heal the hurts of your past if you are open to it and you let him. I forgave my father that day and was given new eyes of compassion for my dad and for all those that struggle with addiction .
And do you want to hear something crazy?? A few months after that time of revelation and healing in the adoration chapel, my in-laws came for a visit from Utah. As they came in the house they handed me a large portfolio of my husband’s artwork. They said they didn’t know why they had it, but they wanted to return it to us. As we excitedly opened the portfolio to check out all his long-lost art, can you guess what was sitting right on top? My Dad’s letter!! I dropped to the floor with sobs of thanksgiving.
Hope and healing came full circle that day, not when I thought I needed it, but when God knew I was ready for it. What an amazing God we serve!
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
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